Innuendo Unveiled: The Complete PoA Parody
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: A beginning to end parody of the third Harry Potter film, complete with humorous innuendo, references to other movies, and edited song and dance numbers. Annoying formatting issues are now fixed! T for language.


**Author's Note**: All the weird formatting issues that this had should be fixed now. Apparently, this site dislikes asterisks. Anywho, if you find anything still wrong with it, please let me know!**  
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**Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban  
Innuendo Unveiled**

_**"Under covers" prologue**_

Harry: I love my magic wand. (_insert generic "under the covers" joke here_)

Uncle Vernon: Hmm, his eyes are closed, so he _must _be asleep.

Harry: Wrong again, fathead! Lumos MAXIMA!

_PoA logo EXPLODES out of the light of Harry's "magic wand"._

_**Aunt Marge and the failed diet**_

Harry: Let me go to Hogsmede, pretty please?

Uncle Vernon: Behave, wizard scum!

Aunt Marge: DUDDYKINSLOVEYNESS (_kisses_)

Dudley: Hey, you're blocking the TV!

Aunt Marge: RIPPERKINS (_feeds the dog her dinner and proceeds to get him drunk, as well_)

Ripper: (_munch crunch lick snarf hiccup_)

Harry: Oh Lord…(_is sick_)

Aunt Marge: Yo, CinderHarry, clean this crap up while I debase your family!

Harry: RARRR!

_The house shakes in mortal terror of Harry's sudden hormone rush. Aunt Marge slowly begins to expand_.

Aunt Marge: Oh hell, I knew the Atkins diet wouldn't work…

Uncle Vernon: STOP FILLING MY SISTER WITH HELIUM!

Harry: MUHAHAHA…er, I mean, I am so horribly mortified by what I have done!

Dudley: She's still blocking the TV.

**_Harry runs away_**

Uncle Vernon: YOU DIDN'T BEHAVE, WIZARD SCUM!

Harry: You suck, and your sister sucks, too! I'm leaving!

Uncle Vernon: Nyah, nyah, where are you going to go?

Harry: I'm Harry Potter; I'll think of something!

_Harry storms stupidly out into the wet English night. A playground proceeds to terrorize him for several minutes_.

Insanely Huge Dog: It is I, the hound of the Baskervilles!

Harry: What the…

_The horribly purple Knight Bus appears out of nowhere_.

Stan Shunpike: What're you doin' down there?

Harry: I fell over.

Stan Shunpike: What you fell over for?

Harry: You know, I had a great song and dance number here. They cut it.

Stan Shunpike: Well then, get in!

Shrunken Head: We be jammin', mon!

_Stan Shunpike munches absently on his fingernails and reads the Daily Prophet_.

Harry: What in the name of Florean Fortescue is that on your paper?

Stan Shunpike: I know, ain't the latest Quidditch scores unbearable? Oh wait, you mean 'im! That's Sirius Black, that is!

Harry: Duh, who?

Stan Shunpike: What you mean you never 'eard of Sirius Black? Where you been livin', a cupboard?

Harry: Well, yeah…

Stan Shunpike: Well then, in that case, 'e's a big, scary murderer escaped from Azkaban, the most terrible wizard prison ever! Word 'as it that 'e's You-Know-'o's bitch – I mean, right 'and man.

Harry: Ew…

_The Knight Bus arrives outside the Leaky Cauldron, nearly flattening a Muggle car that is, for some reason, parked nearby_.

Tom: SILENCE, MUGGLE SCUM!

**_Harry and Fudge_**

Fudge: Well now, Harry, usually I'd ship you off to the Ministry to be ruthlessly ripped apart, but since you're Harry Potter and there's a killer on the loose, I'll let this slide.

Tom: HUR, HUR, HUR!

Harry: Uhhh…

Fudge: Oh, it's all right; Tom's just come down with an unfortunate case of scoliosis. Oh yes, and I bought all your schoolbooks for you.

Harry: Um, how nice?

Tom: ROOM! NOW!

**_Harry and the Monster Book_**

Monster Book: (_burble twitch snuffle_)

Harry: What in the…

Monster Book: RAAAAAAAAH! (_chomp slice bite attack_)

Harry: Holy shit!

_Harry promptly hops on the bed and feeds his shoe to the Monster Book of Monsters_.

Monster Book: Mmm, rubber.

Harry: GOTCHA! (_stomp!_)

Monster Book: You know, I had a great song and dance number here…

**_Harry and Yet Another Year of Being Stalked by Scary Death_**

Scabbers: Squeak, squeak, I am Ron's innocent little pet…

Crookshanks: Grrrrrr…(_marks Scabbers for death_)

Harry: Wow, Ron, you went to Egypt!

Ron: Yeah, and I'm totally not going to explain the significance that it's supposed to have in this movie!

Fred & George: We all live in a yellow submarine…

Hermione: My cat is King of Cats, so there!

Ron: And Scabbers was doing so well in Egypt…

Mr. Weasley: I am totally incapable of calling Harry solely by his first name. Harry Potter, I must speak to you!

Harry: Yo, Peterson, what's up?

Mr. Weasley: See that creepy guy on those wanted posters?

Harry: Hey, the dude from the newspaper! Only he seemed taller…

Mr. Weasley: He's out to kill you!

Harry: What else is new?

Mr. Weasley: Keep your ass firmly inside the castle, Harry Potter, do you hear?

Harry: Yuh-huh.

Mr. Weasley: And don't you dare even _think _about trying to go after your godfa – I mean, Sirius Black!

Harry: Whatever you say, dude.

**_The Hogwarts Express, Year Three_**

Mrs. Weasley: Ron, you stop leaving this dishrag at home!

Ron: Gimmie Scabbers! Gimmie Scabbers!

Audience: DROP HIM ON THE TRACK, RON!

Ron: Scabbers! (_is luv_)

Hermione: Great, we have to ride in the compartment with the half-dead professor…

_Professor "R. J." Lupin fails even to snore_.

Harry: So, Ron's dad has predicted another year of gloom and doom for little ol' me!

Ron: Oh. My. God. That's…(_pees pants_)

Hermione: Oh, come off it. Sirius Black could never find Harry in Hogwarts!

_The train stops with a screech of brakes and proceeds to freeze solid_.

Dementor: But _we _could! Mmm, fear with a side of fear!

Harry: ARGH! (_faints_)

Lupin: Begone, foul ringwraith wannabe!

Dementor: Run away from the shiny thing!

Harry: (_revives_)

Ron & Hermione: Wow…

Lupin: Eat chocolate. Chocolate cures all ills.

**_Beginning-of-the-Year Feast, Year Three_**

Choir: Double, double, toil and trouble, this song is brought to you by Macbeth!

Dumbledore: Greetings, one and all! Allow me to draw your attention to the silver hearts I have in my beard. Aren't they the shit?

Draco: Yo, Pothead! Is it true you wet yourself at the sight of dementors?

Crabbe: No, Malfoy, that's you!

Draco: Shut up.

Dumbledore: Let's give a big hurrah to Hagrid and Mr. Remus Lupin, our new teachers!

Snape: I burn into you with my very eyes, Remus Lupin!

Lupin: Love you too, greaseball.

Dumbledore: Now let's eat until pumpkin juice leaks out our ears!

**_Gryffindor Boy's Pajama Party_**

Seamus: Where did we get all this candy if we haven't been to Hogsmede yet?

Ron: Who cares? (_roars_)

Harry: Look at me, I'm a train!

Dementors: We want some candy, too…

**_Trelawney's Room of Befuddled Crystal Gazing_**

Trelawney: Check out the soggy lumps in the bottom of your partner's cup!

Harry: Apparently we drank the tea already…?

Hermione: I didn't get any! I mean, wow, what a stupid class!

Ron: You were…not here two seconds ago.

Hermione: Shut up, I so was.

Trelawney: You!

Ron: Me?

Trelawney: Your aura is red! No wait, that's just your hair…but you're still beyond! Is your Inner Eye in focus?

Ron: Oh yes, totally. I see from Harry's cup that his life sucks!

Harry: You need a cup to tell you that?

Trelawney: SHIT! There's a DOG in your cup! You're going to die!

Harry: You need a cup to tell you _that_?

Neville: I want to know how he fit the dog in his cup…

**_Navigating the Entirely Different Hogwarts Grounds_**

Hermione: "See the future!" Honestly! If I had glasses that thick, I'd pretend I had an Inner Eye, too.

Harry: I wonder if she and Ernie the bus driver go to the same optometrist.

Ron: Wow, Hermione's learning the art of sarcasm!

_They fail to notice that the scenery looks very much like a Myst game_.

**_Care of Magical Creatures With Everyone's Favorite Half-Giant_**

Hagrid: Aren't my pets cute?

Draco: Look out, Pothead, the dementors are after you!

Hermione: I have learned to sneer this year!

_In the background, Neville proceeds to get eaten by his textbook_.

Hagrid: All right, first lesson: if you insult my pet, it'll kill you. Who wants to go first?

Class: Um, we volunteer Harry!

Harry: Great…

Buckbeak: Mustn't eat the Boy Who Lived…(_bows_)

Hagrid: I knew he'd like you; you _are _Harry Potter after all! Oh yeah, that means you get to ride him.

Harry: Hell no!

Hagrid: Upsy-daisy!

_Lots of loud drumming ensues_.

Buckbeak: I am awesome!

Audience: Yes, you are, but you are also using up valuable time with your CGI flight.

Hagrid: Hurrah, I've gotten through a whole fifteen minutes without someone being eaten!

Draco: I have a death wish! Hey hippo-boy, you're ugly!

Buckbeak: Speaking of eating…

Draco: WAAAAAAAH! I want my blankie!

Hagrid: Buckbeak, no! Students are friends, not food, remember?

Buckbeak: Sorry, I thought he was a ferret.

**_The Great Hall, again_**

Draco: Moan, groan, my arm, my arm…pity me…

Ron: Arse.

Seamus: Look! Look! The nutball's in the paper again!

Harry: Why do I get the feeling that this guy is going to become all too familiar by the end of the movie?

**_Defense Against the Dark Arts with Everyone's Favorite Were…er, Professor_**

Lupin: Unfortunately, we don't get to eat chocolate this lesson, but I'll make up for it by being terribly attractive.

Hermione: I can tell by your ominously shaking wardrobe that you've stashed a boggart in it.

Ron: STOP RANDOMLY APPEARING!

Lupin: Correct! And, as we all know, the mission of a boggart's life is to scare the hell out of everyone. Hey Neville, c'mere.

Neville: Who, me? What? Why me?

Lupin: Because you're easy to pick on. Now, what scares you more, school or your grandmother?

Neville: Uhhhh, Snape.

Lupin: Fair enough. Go to it!

_Creepy boggart Snape makes a big show of climbing out of the wardrobe_.

Neville: Oh, shit…(_points wand and hopes for the best_)

Boggart Snape: I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

Lupin: Excellent! If Neville can do it, anyone can. Now check out this Victrola I found in my parents' basement, and kick your worst fears squarely in the arse! Ready?

_Lupin leans against the counter and eats an apple calmly while everyone else encounters their worst fears_.

Harry: Yey, my turn!

Boggart Dementor: MUHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Crap.

Lupin: I have to leave my apple for _this_?

Boggart Moon: I taunt you, Remus Lupin!

Lupin: Eat magic, boggart scum!

Harry: What the…

Lupin: Class dismissed! Go! Leave! I want to finish my apple!

**_Everyone But Harry Goes to Hogsmede_**

McGonagall: I'm sorry, Potter; I can't sign your permission slip.

Harry: But you know how much the Dursleys suck! You have to help me!

McGonagall: Nope, sorry, I don't pander to you the way Dumbledore does.

Harry: All right, fine.

_Harry goes off in an angst-filled gust of hormones and ends up taking a walk with Lupin_.

Harry: If you didn't want me to fight the stupid boggart, why didn't you just shove me to the end of the line or something?

Lupin: Because we need to learn stuff about each other for the movie to make sense.

Harry: Oh. Well, in that case, let's whine to each other about our pasts.

Lupin: Sounds good to me. By the way, I was totally in love with your mother.

Audience: YEY! New fanfic material!

**_Post-Hogsmede Rush_**

Ron: We went to all these amazingly cool places that you can't go to!

Harry: Good for you, match head.

_Harry is carrying an ugly plastic Sneakoscope that he definitely should not be carrying_.

Neville: I promise I'm not responsible for this traffic jam!

Percy: Move it, lowly students! I'm Head Boy, you know!

Dumbledore: I told you kids not to deface things! Silly children.

Fat Lady: It was Sirius Black, headmaster!

Dumbledore: Like I said, silly children! Great Hall time, everyone.

**_Great Hall Sleepytime_**

Snape: I searched everywhere and still couldn't find the bastard. And I was so looking forward to kicking his –

Dumbledore: Mellow out, Severus.

Snape: But _somebody _helped him get in, and it was that…_thing_ you hired, I'm sure of it!

Dumbledore: I hire no things! Especially not things that would help a murderer into my castle.

Snape: Whatever. If Black turns up again, I want the first whack at him!

Dumbledore: Chill. Let the kids sleep.

**_Defense Against the Dark Arts With World's Greasiest Potions Master_**

Snape: I hate you all. Now let's study creatures of darkness.

Hermione: But we're not supposed to –

Snape: SILENCE, MUDBLOOD SCUM!

_Draco chuckles to himself and makes origami shapes_.

Harry: I am disturbed.

Snape: Write me a huge essay. And if none of you figure out what I'm getting at, you're all doomed.

Harry: (_reads Draco's note_) But my broom needs me!

**_Quidditch, Year Three_**

_No one mentions that the scriptwriters have apparently forgotten about the existence of both the Quidditch Cup and Oliver Wood_.

Harry: Neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night…

_The Snitch fries the Hufflepuff seeker to a crisp_.

Harry: I'll just chase the thing myself, then!

Clouds: Greetings from your hairy godfather!

Harry: Duh…?

Snitch: Hey doofus, can't catch me!

_Harry chases the Snitch up into the sky until ice begins to lacerate his face_.

Dementors: How dare you interrupt our ballet recital! We smite you!

Dumbledore: Y'know, having Harry around is beginning to get a wee bit irritating…

_**Hospital Wing**_

Ron: Harry looks terrible!

Fred & George: And if you'd just fallen EIGHT MILLION FEET, you would, too.

Harry: Holy crap, I thought I'd gone to the great Quidditch pitch in the sky. What happened?

Hermione: Gryffindor lost because of your utter inability to combat dementors. But don't worry, nobody blames you!

Harry: WHAAA, I've never lost at Quidditch before! I feel so inadequate!

Ron: Your broom died, too.

Harry: MY LIFE IS OVER!

**_Out Walking with Lupin and his Groovy Scarf_**

Harry: I hate the dementors. They killed my broom.

Lupin: I shall reply by appearing to talk about you while really talking about myself.

Harry: Quit whinging and tell me how to kick dementor arse.

_Hedwig is conveniently within petting range_.

Lupin: Later. I'm PMSing.

**_Sneaking off to Hogsmede with the Beatle Brothers_**

Fred & George: I'd like to be…under the sea…in an octopus's garden…

Harry: Perhaps an Invisibility Cloak in the snow is a bad idea.

Fred & George: It is our duty to make sure you break as many rules as possible while you're in school. Here, have a map.

Harry: This is…a piece of parchment.

Fred: Pshaw. Show him, George.

_Ink proceeds to materialize with "Moony" spelled wrong_.

Harry: Who the hell…

Fred & George: They're our heroes. Now go get yourself in trouble like a good boy.

**_To Honeydukes and Beyond!_**

_The audience has a sudden urge to buy out the concession stand's supply of candy. No one in Hogsmede notices the HUGE RED LOLLIPOP floating through town_.

Hermione: The Shrieking Shack's haunted. Wanna make out?

Ron: Rein it in; we're not a canon pairing yet.

Draco: Haha, Weasel and his Mudblood girlfriend are looking for their first cozy home!

Ron: DIE, MALFOY!

Draco: Minions, beat him.

InvisiHarry: Muhahahaha!

_Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle get their butts kicked by InvisiHarry…literally_.

Ron: OMG HARRY! That was NOT FUNNY at all!

Harry: Yes it was.

**_Back Story at the Three Broomsticks_**

Hagrid: Allow me to rip the door off your coach, Minister.

Fudge: Why thank you, Hagrid…I think…

Madam Rosmerta: If you don't call off your dementors, Minister, I shall bash you with my hammer!

Fudge: Uh, let's have a drink and talk instead.

Madam Rosmerta: About what?

Fudge: (_in a conveniently loud whisper_) Harry Potter! Who else?

_Harry follows them inside, apparently forgetting that "curiosity killed the cat"_.

McGonagall: Here's the deal. Sirius Black sold the Potters out to You-Know-Who and also managed to blow apart this kid named Peter Pettigrew.

Madame Rosmerta: What does this have to do with anything?

McGonagall: Sirius Black is Harry Potter's godfather, of course!

Harry: I feel another hormone rush coming on…

**_Harry's Private Weepy Time_**

Harry: I don't even know the whole story, but I HATE SIRIUS BLACK!

Hermione: There, there, Harry. Have some Midol.

Harry: I'M GONNA KILL HIM! ...As soon as I learn some killing curses.

**_Spending Lots of Time Alone with Lupin_**

Lupin: Are you _sure _about this, Harry? Everything is prepared.

Harry: I'd be more sure if the innuendo wasn't so thick.

Lupin: It's about to get thicker. Now, close your eyes and think of something insanely happy.

Harry: I'm suddenly extremely glad I'm not a girl with a werewolf fetish.

Remus fans/Thewlisians in the audience: Move over, Harry; there's plenty of us who'd take your place!

Lupin: Now, you speak the incantation "expecto patronum", which is Latin for "I want my mommy."

Harry: And I run away very fast?

Lupin: No, you get a big shiny thing. Go to it!

_The boggart dementor is big and scary. Harry faints and Lupin is forced to revive him_.

Lupin: Here, have some of this chocolate bar that I definitely have not been eating when you aren't looking. What insanely happy thing were you thinking of?

Harry: Quidditch, duh.

Lupin: Well shit, _that's _not strong enough!

Harry: _Now _you tell me. Let me do it again. I swear I can do better.

Lupin: And you talk to me about innuendo. All right, try again!

_Harry produces the promised big shiny thing. The boggart dementor flees in utter terror because Harry Potter must succeed_.

Lupin: Hurrah! Time to celebrate with more chocolate!

**_Hormone Village_**

Ron: Your BLOODY STUPID CAT ate my precious Scabbers!

Hermione: You love Scabbers way too much. It's frightening and rather gross.

Ron: I miss him! (_sniffles_)

Crookshanks: (_purr_)

**_The Fate of Buckbeak_**

Hagrid: Hearings suck. The Malfoys suck. My life sucks.

Audience: Your suit sucks.

Hermione: Well, what happened?

Hagrid: They're gonna KILL my PRECIOUS BUCKBEAK! (_cries_)

Ron: If Scabbers were here, he'd sympathize.

**_Finding Peter Pettigrew_**

_Harry sits up in bed with porn..er, the Marauder's Map_.

Ron: OMG SHELOB IS TRYING TO EAT ME!

Harry: Wrong fandom, Ron.

Ron: Oh, right…(_snores_)

_Peter Pettigrew skitters about on the map_.

Harry: Hey, a dead guy! I must go investigate!

_Harry proceeds to sneak around the Hogwarts halls without his invisibility cloak_.

Peter Pettigrew: My but I am lost. I mean, squeak squeak!

Harry: This dead guy sure walks in a lot of circles.

Snape: POTTER! What are you doing wandering the halls in the middle of the night?

Harry: Could ask you the same question.

Snape: You look just like your father, and therefore I hate you. Turn out your pockets!

Harry: But I have my wand in there.

Snape: Don't try to confuse me by spouting innuendo. OUT WITH THEM!

_Harry produces the map_.

Snape: Ah HA! (_taps the map with his wand_) Treguna, Mekoides, Trecorum Satis Dee!

Harry: Wrong movie.

Snape: SILENCE!

Map: Haha, your past comes back to haunt you, Snivellus!

_Lupin appears from nowhere_.

Lupin: Gimmie my map.

Snape: I hate you.

**_Lupin Attempts to Bang Sense Into Harry_**

Lupin: Did it ever occur to you that Sirius Black could use this map to get at you?

Harry: How do you know it's a map?

Lupin: And that your parents died to save you and you're being an ungrateful brat?

Harry: How do you know it's a map?

Lupin: Therefore, I'm keeping this to remind me of childhood memories.

Harry: How do you know it's a…oh hell, never mind. It shows dead guys anyway.

Lupin: Go back to bed. (_cuddles the map_)

**_Naptime…er, Divination_**

Hermione: I'll give this befuddled crystal gazing a shot. Let me guess: Harry's going to die.

Trelawney: You're ever so cynical, dear. It seems to have terminally clouded your Inner Eye.

Hermione: Inner Eye, my arse. (_leaves_)

Audience: Go, Hermione!

Harry: Our crystal ball rolled all the way down the stairs without breaking. That means I have to walk all the way back up the stairs to return it.

Ron: That seems stupid.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter; stupidity is part of the plot.

_Harry walks into the suddenly creepy and COMPLETELY EMPTY Divination classroom_.

Crystal ball: Hiya, Harry!

Harry: What the…

Trelawney: Check out the voice modulation of my prophecy! **_DOOM! DOOM AND GLOOM!_**

Harry: Wait a second, does that mean you're really psychic?

Trelawney: Whatever are you talking about, dear boy?

**_The Fate of Buckbeak, Part 2_**

_The big ugly executioner sharpens his big ugly axe_.

Hermione: How dare you muck up our lovely courtyard with your creepiness!

Ron: Uh, might not be a good idea to glare at the guy with the big axe…

_Draco and his minions giggle to themselves from behind the giant, Myst-like rocks_.

Draco: (_sings_) The head bone's connected to the neck bone, but not for very long!

_It is Hermione's turn to have a hormone rush_.

Hermione: DIIIIIIE, PUREBLOOD SCUM!

Draco: WHAAAAA! Minions, help!

Ron: Hermione, he's not worth wasting your hormones on!

Draco: You tell her, Weasel.

Hermione: Fine then.

_Hermione punches Draco instead. Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle flee in terror from Hermione's apparent PMS_.

Ron: You…are awesome.

Hermione: Thank you, I _so _am.

**_Hagrid's Rather Cramped Hut_**

Harry: Isn't there anything we can do, Hagrid?

Hagrid: No. Not at all. Especially nothing involving time.

Harry: What?

Hagrid: Never mind. By the way, Ron, I've been letting Scabbers sleep in this tin of grain.

Ron: SCABBERS! (_is much luv_)

Hermione: Yuck.

_Things proceed to explode_.

Harry: MY SKULL! What in the _hell_…

Hagrid: Everyone's coming! Out the back door with you!

**_The Pumpkin Patch and Beyond!_**

_Inside, Fudge drones on and on. Dumbledore conveniently stops people from leaving Hagrid's hut about eight zillion times_.

Ron: (_hums to self_) Bippity, boppity, boo!

Hermione: Stop it with the references, already. Wait a second; was that me in the woods?

Harry: Don't be ridiculous; you're right here.

Hermione: Right. Let's run up the hill now and watch from a location where we absolutely can't see Buckbeak.

_The executioner wields his big ugly axe with a thunk. Sadness abounds_.

Hermione: OMG! You know what they say about men who like big weapons…

Scabbers: This is nasty. I'm leaving.

Ron: Scabbers! Come back! Please! Don't leave me!

_Ron chases after Scabbers, apparently forgetting that Scabbers has been pretty much taking care of himself for the whole movie_.

Harry: Ron, you moron, you're sitting under the Whomping Willow!

Ron: Harry, look behind you!

Harry: I'm not falling for –

Insanely Huge Dog: GRARR!

Hermione: Holy crap, it's the hound of the Baskervilles!

Harry & Ron: What?

Hermione: Honestly, don't you two read?

Insanely Huge Dog: Mmm, snack time!

Ron: I want my mommmyyyyy…

_Ron disappears from sight, and Harry and Hermione are forced to go rescue him. The Whomping Willow has other thoughts on this matter_.

Whomping Willow: I crush you!

Hermione: I have mastered the art of bareback tree riding. Down you go, Harry!

Harry: Arrrrrrgh!

_Harry slides down the tunnel and Hermione lands on top of him_.

Hermione: Whoops, sorry.

Harry: I thought you had a thing for Ron!

Hermione: Shut up and let's go.

**_The Filthy, Dirty Shrieking Shack_**

Harry: C'mon, let's go up these rickety stairs and into certain danger!

Hermione: What are you, a masochist or something?

Ron: Harry, run away! This is all a huge trap and you're going to die!

Harry: Listen, Ron, despite anything we heard in Divination, I doubt I'm going to die in the third movie.

Sirius: Well, _someone _is definitely dying tonight!

Harry: Crap, I forgot to learn killing curses. Oh well, strangling works.

Sirius: Um, argh?

Lupin: GET OFF MY CHILDHOOD BUDDY!

Sirius: Where did you come from?

Lupin: Shut up and give me a hug, you smelly galoot.

Harry, Ron, & Hermione: WHAT in the…

Sirius: Now that you're here, let's get this murdering thing _on_.

Hermione: I won't let you kill Harry before I blab to everyone that…YOU'RE A WEREWOLF!

Lupin: Revelation. And it took you _how _long to figure this out?

Sirius: Longer than it took me, that's for darn sure. Now are we gonna KILL HIM or not?

Lupin: Fine, fine, but explain it to Harry first.

Sirius: I've been in Azkaban for TWELVE YEARS and you want me to take the time to EXPLAIN?

Snape: (_bursting in_) I catch you, Sirius Black! And I point my wand at you in perverse, constipated glee!

Lupin: Leave me and my childhood buddy alone, Snivellus!

Snape: Shut up, you lupine scum! Sirius Black! How I've _longed _to murder your sorry arse!

Sirius: The feeling's mutual, I'm sure.

Lupin: Stop being stupid, you two.

Sirius: GO BITE YOURSELF, REMUS!

Lupin: Geez, you haven't changed.

Snape: Listen to you two. No wonder people write slash about you.

Sirius: They write it about you, too.

Snape: SILENCE! Now, back to the castle with you, and I shall giggle while the dementors give you mouth-to-mouth.

Harry: DIE, GREASEBALL!

_Snape is blown across the room beautifully_.

Audience: Yey, time for exposition!

Harry: No, just more shouting, I'm afraid. Now, give me the Reader's Digest ultimate condensed version of the story!

Sirius: Peter Pettigrew was a dirty coward who blew a bunch of people apart and sold your parents out to Voldemort and pretended to be our friend and blamed everything on me!

Harry: Why?

Sirius: BECAUSE HE SUCKS! Now, give me your rat, match head.

Ron: What?

Sirius: I'm not the only Animagus around here. GIMMIE!

Ron: MY PRECIOUS!...I mean, SCABBERS!

Scabbers: I run away across this piano!

Lupin: Why the _hell _is there a piano in the Shrieking Shack?

Sirius: GOTCHA!

Pettigrew: Hey hey, we're the Marauders!

Lupin: No, Peter, they cut your song and dance number, too.

Ron: Scabbers _isn't _a rat?

Sirius: No, he's an ugly, lying bastard.

Pettigrew: I…I…I…(_cries_)

Sirius: He's a wuss, too.

Lupin: You're right, Sirius, let's kill him.

Harry: Stop!

Sirius & Lupin: What? Why?

Harry: Because I said so.

Pettigrew: Yey!

Harry: I have a worse fate planned for you…MUHAHAHAHA!

Pettigrew: Hell, I was better off as a rat!

**_Things Go Horribly Wrong_**

Sirius: Sorry I almost tore your leg off, Ron. I'm usually an adorable insanely huge dog.

Ron: (_gives Sirius a really strange look_) What_ever_.

Pettigrew: Please let me go? Pretty please? I may have been a horrible human, but I was a great rat, right? Ron, you thought I was great, didn't you?

Ron: Get. Away. From. Me.

Hermione: I'll protect you, Ron. I mean, wow, looks like your leg hurts.

Sirius: Let's ignore everyone and bond. So, now that I'm free, what say you come live in my big, smelly house?

Harry: With big, smelly you? Hell yeah! By the way, you look taller on the wanted poster.

Full Moon: Peek-a-boo!

Lupin: Crap, what is the probability of _that_? (_eyes change color_)

Sirius: DON'T DO IT, REMUS! FIGHT IT! (_sings_) Lean on me…when you're not strong…

Lupin: Not working…(_transforms_)

Audience: That's a werewolf?

Sirius: Hmm, you've gotten bald.

Were-Lupin: Aaa-ROOOOO!

Pettigrew: Sweet freedom!

_Snape emerges from the tree and proceeds to be uncharacteristically protective_.

Were-Lupin: You were supposed to be knocked out! (_swipe_)

Insanely Huge Dog: Run away while I create this diversion!

Harry: No! Sirius, come back!

_Harry pelts Were-Lupin with rocks_.

Were-Lupin: You are so dead.

Harry: Bad idea, bad idea!

_An unidentified howling noise draws Were-Lupin's attention, and Harry is safe for about ten seconds_.

**_Lakeside with Everyone's Favorite Ex-Convict_**

Dementors: Finally, the guy we've been waiting for the whole movie!

Harry: You can't have him! Expecto Patronum!

Dementors: Mmm, soul. Anyone got any ketchup?

Harry: Expecto Patronum!

_Sirius stops breathing and his little feathery soul floats around near his mouth_.

Harry: I WANT MY MOMMY!

Patronus: How about your daddy?

Harry: Yeah, that works, too.

Sirius: GASP! I'm alive!

Harry: Hurrah. (_passes out_)

**_Hospital Wing, Third Year_**

Hermione: Harry, wake up! Wake up! They've got Sirius locked in a tower and they're going to let the dementors kiss him!

Harry: My newfound family cannot die! I must set out heroically!

Hermione: Wait a minute, I haven't explained the dementor's kiss yet…

Dumbledore: Chill, students, there's an easy way to save Sirius; I'm just going to be terribly cryptic about it. I think Miss Granger knows what I mean. (_wink wink, nudge nudge_) Three turns, yo.

Hermione: Word up, Headmaster. C'mere and share my Time Turner, Harry.

Harry: What?

Hermione: How do you think I've been in two places at once all year? Now wear the stupid chain.

Harry: Ooh, shiny…

Hermione: NO TOUCHY! (_slaps_)

_People rush about and walk backwards for a while_.

Harry: Wow, what a trip. Now would you be so kind as to tell me what the _hell _is going on?

Hermione: We have to find ourselves! Follow me!

_**Following Yourself is the Ultimate Trip**_

Harry: That's us down there…

Hermione: You're _so _brilliant. Of course it's us. I brought us back in time with my shiny hourglass!

Harry: And now we do…what?

Hermione: Do you think it came with an instruction book?

Harry: Can I at least kill Pettigrew while we're here?

Hermione: No, you just get to sit and watch bad things happen. Now come on.

_Hermione proceeds to throw rocks and make things explode in Hagrid's hut_.

Harry: You just hit me in the skull!

Hermione: Oh well, you probably deserve it for something. Oh crap, here we come out the back door…run away!

Harry: Man, we're slow.

Hermione: I think I need to start going to a hairdresser…

Harry: Stop it with your vanity and tell me what we're supposed to be doing!

Hermione: Oh hell, let's save Buckbeak.

Harry: Brilliant. Here's hoping he doesn't suddenly decide I'm a snack.

Hermione: Not to worry, I am armed with dead ferrets! Here, Buckbeak, Buckbeak, Buckbeak!

Buckbeak: But I want to stay with Hagri – ooh, ferrets!

_They run off into the woods while Dumbledore continues to conveniently distract everyone_.

Fudge: Enough of this tot, let's…where'd it go?

Dumbledore: Hmm, how about that. Not that I had any prior knowledge of this, nope, not at all. Party down, Hagrid.

Executioner: KILL! KILL! (_kills a pumpkin_)

**_Long Period of Waiting in the Forest_**

Hermione: Now let's go save your crazy godfather!

Harry: We do this how?

Hermione: By watching everything happen again and hoping we can think of something.

Harry: You have no clue what you're doing, do you?

_They wait. And wait. And wait. And wait some more_.

Harry: By the way, I saw my dad earlier.

Hermione: We haven't come that far back in time.

Harry: I mean, by the lake.

Hermione: Sure you did.

_More waiting. The moon comes out. People in the past flip out and run around_.

Hermione: Oh, right, must save you from becoming a Lupinsnack. AROOOOOO!

Harry: Wonderful idea. Now he's running RIGHT AT US.

Hermione: Er, er, er…run away!

Harry: Any idea of how to save us from becoming Lupinsnacks _now_?

Hermione: Keep running!

Were-Lupin: Fear my apparent wolfish baldness!

Buckbeak: I have feathers and big talons, so there!

Were-Lupin: Stupid overgrown chicken…(_slinks off_)

Dementors: To market, to market, to suck out some souls…

Harry: I'm not worried. My dad will save my past self.

Hermione: Your past self is going to kick it if you don't do something, genius.

Past Harry (from across the lake): I WANT MY MOMMY!

Harry: Oh, fine. Expecto Patronum!

Audience: (_pointing_) It's Harry's dad!

Dementors: WHERE?

Audience who hasn't read PoA: WHERE?

Patronus: Run in terror, dementor scum!

Dementors: Good plan.

_The dementors flee in terror of the shiny, unexplained Prongs patronus_.

**_Saving the Ex-Convict and Other Family Matters_**

Harry: So it wasn't my dad, it was me, and I knew I could conjure an awesome patronus 'cause I already had.

Hermione: Think you could conjure me a barf bag? (_is airsick_)

_Music swells as they park Buckbeak on the roof. Hermione proceeds to make things explode again_.

Sirius: Took you long enough. Can I ride Big Bird, too?

Hermione: Not again…

_More flying and landing and wasting of time_.

Sirius: So, thanks for saving me and that.

Harry: No problemo.

Sirius: You look just like your dad.

Harry: If one more person tells me that…

Sirius: Sorry, it was in the script. Gotta go now, since I'm on technically on the run. By the way, Hermione, you're a smart chick.

Hermione: (_is squeeish fangirl luv_)

_Sirius departs. A clock chimes_.

Harry: If you could snap out of your daze for one second?

Hermione: Oh crap, back to the hospital wing!

**_Outside the Hospital Wing_**

Harry & Hermione: Headmaster! We did exactly what you told us to and we are terribly proud of ourselves!

Dumbledore: I have absolutely no idea what you two hormonal teenagers are talking about.

Hermione: What the…oh, never mind.

Ron: WHERE DID YOU TWO COME FROM?

Harry: Well, there's this stork, see…

Hermione: Just forget it.

**_Bidding Farewell to the Only Competent DADA Teacher Ever_**

Lupin: Well, I'm off.

Harry: Please don't leave us students at the mercy of Dumbledore's poor choice in professors.

Lupin: I have to. In case you didn't notice, I wasn't exactly myself last night.

Harry: So?

Lupin: So you're about the only one who doesn't care. Right. I'm going now.

Harry: Can't we at least have some goodbye chocolate? Or something?

Lupin: You're ruining the director's attempt at angst.

Harry: Sorry.

Lupin: But you _can _have the map.

Harry: You never told me how you knew it was a –

Lupin: See you in two movies' time.

_Lupin limps out with a sad soundtrack_.

**_The End…Maybe_**

Ron: Harry, you got a broom. I mean, package.

Harry: A Firebolt! Shiny _and _functional!

Other Gryffindors: Functional? Are you crazy? This is the fastest broom in the history of history!

Hermione: And I bet we all know who it's from. (_winks and holds up a hippogriff feather_)

Harry: I won't bother to ask how. I'm just gonna ride the thing.

Ron: Me too!

Harry: No Ron, your leg is still recovering.

Ron: Arse.

_Harry flies around. End. Roll credits. Nox._


End file.
